Remember when we were teens? Our parents left us home alone and we dove for the remote to watch any and all inappropriate programming? Or maybe when we spent hours – literally, hours – on the phone talking about anything and everything with that one or group of friends. How about that time we were super-bad and took a swig from one of the bottles in the liquor stash?

 

See? Adolescence wasn’t that long ago.

 

Today, adults are more overprotective than ever, giving teens minimal tools to deal with life-appropriate situations and challenges. [1] Undervalued and misjudged, teens are often assumed to be incapable of juggling too much responsibility, completely inept to honestly communicate their inner feelings, and nearly always make rash decisions. [2] But are any of these true?

 

Surprisingly, teens are more capable of critical thinking, becoming responsible, and as honest as their counterparts when given half a chance. When we treat them with respect and dignity, they not only impress – but, even surpass expectations. Given a little space and an un-bias ear, they’re more inclined to come to us for advice – if we’re patient and sincere.

 

The problem often lies in our immediate reaction to their rebellious nature. Forgetting – or projecting – our own unruliness as teens, we drive a wedge where a bridge would be more useful. Most teens are fully aware of the adult-child hierarchy – they know where their allowance and money for extra-curriculars come from. However, what they crave most is the chance to walk life’s tightrope with us as their nets – not their handlers.

 

They explore creative outlets to differentiate themselves from us, much like we did with our parents back in the day. But also like us, they don’t always set out to be our polar opposite. Yet, with shorter leashes and helicopter parenting, we’re deterring the next generation from being able to survive on their own.

 

Since the baby-boomers, parents have taken more and more control, responsibility, and credit in the successes and failures of their offspring. [3] Children treated like an accessory or commodity, become a narcissistic extension of one’s own perception of themselves. Why? Did any of Albert Einstein’s awards contain a footnote nod to his awesome parents? Did Ted Bundy’s mom serve time for raising such an evil-spirited human being?

 

The point is this: teens are not big, scary monsters beneath our parental beds. We are our own worst fears. Believing our children’s failures once they’re adults automatically determine our grade (as a parent) is bullshit. Just as much as the bloated fantasy that our genetics and hard work in their formative years helped them get the promotion from coordinator to manager. We do our best, why can’t we let them do theirs?

 

Sure, it’s important to guide teens (as subtly as possible) down the path that’s least destructive, but isn’t it equally so to encourage them to embrace this trial-by-error phase in their life? By standing in the way of imperitive-lessons through unnecessary self-sacrifice and dismissive regard to failures and losses, we’re ultimately tarnishing the shine of adolescence.

 

It’s as if we’re pretending (or maybe wishing) this phase of life didn’t exist. But it does, and it has to. Failures, bad choices – they’re necessary flaws in the design of building character in a person. If the pinnacle of our lives revolved around a legendary high school basketball game or Olympic medal won at the ripe age of fifteen, how sad to have peaked so soon. This period of development is crucial to for handling life’s big tests as adults. Like sparring cubs, our children need to experience some of life’s stresses in a safe, supportive environment in order to successfully dig themselves out of scrapes as independents later on.

 

But are we setting the bars of expectation too high? Or are those bars set in the wrong places?

 

These days, college students are growing needier than ever [4] . What used to be an opportunity for kids to go off and explore the world has now become a time where parents allocate finances on the conditions that they get to be more involved than they should be. Since when does a parent need to be part of the college selection process? Loans and grants are there for a reason – for the financial stability while kids commit to the starting and finishing of their degrees.

 

The reality is most teens are not going to an Ivy League school, some won’t even be bringing home the once-prized bachelor degree, but does that make them any less valuable or contributive to society? They’re probably more inclined to take the chances the generation before was too afraid to take – that’s how it’s been for decades.

 

Our purpose as parents may be to shape our youths, but their purpose is to remind us who we once were – fearless, adventurous, embracers of life. In order to develop a healthy, open relationship with our teens we must take the time to relate to them as best we can. Yes, they only paint the broad strokes against our canvas, but we too often busy ourselves with only the intricate details. Aren’t both artists essential in creating life’s masterpiece?

 

Next time we encounter or are in the presence of a teen, let’s give them the chance they deserve to show us the respect they’re longing to reciprocate. Encouragement, grace, guidance, hope, love…each is a value we often assume a responsibility to teach our children, but it’s just as vital for us to be open to learning the deeper meanings too. Especially, when taught by our greatest teachers…

 

[1] https://wehavekids.com/parenting/Children-of-Overprotective-Parents-Are-Slated-For-Failure

[2] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-moment-youth/201402/the-language-respect

[3] https://qz.com/293849/how-baby-boomers-ruined-parenting-forever/

[4] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/freedom-learn/201510/helicopter-parenting-college-students-increased-neediness